p3rception (p3rception) wrote,
p3rception
p3rception

The End To ALL

Alright everyone before you all read this let me explain. My ex girlfriend and I were together for almost 3 months and on and off she sais she loves me and hates me. I know she has a gg/f but I think sometimes she's mean and sais she hates me is because she still cares about me and it makes her maad so she shows she cares by anger and hostility. Theres other times where I think I meant nothing to her but that can't be true. She tells me to leave her alone and to let it go but how can I let it go when her herself writes on message boards talking about our relationship. Her g/f tells me she would have been mine if I was honest to her and left her alone. When I first met her it was online and I don't give out my real info exactly all the time. When we started dating I forgot to tell her my real age but on our 4th date I did tell her and it didn't seem like she cared. I would of left her alone when she said she needed time but when I did she'd message me and tell me she still loved me and stuff so it was even harder to give her time, that or she had new g/f's all the time. It's been over a year and I don't knowwhat to do... she was one of my greatest loves and for everyone who is will to read and help out... thank you so here you go. I saved alot of the recent convo's and stuff so you can kinda see wat happend. I guess im a stalker.



As many of us know dez hates me but what you dont know is I have every right to still talk to her and know why we had to end a perfect relationship over nothing and why Dez runs from her feelings. Let me take you through step by fucking step here.

This is still In Dez's Subprofile Journal and no im not making this up and Dez dont try to take it out of your sub profile to make me out of a liar and you have no right to hate me. So jusr so everyone knows im not lying heres evidence that everything im saying is true.

Going on 9 months...

Now lets begin...


A: This was written in Dez's subprofule journal..........STILL


Its been like Forever!! [7/02/03 6:39 PM]
its been like forever since ive written in this thing. let me inform you on the greatest news of my life. IM WITH THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!! i got myself a girlfriend. her name is Jamie Lynne Payne. shes amazing. we met for the first time online on friday.. and then met in person for the first time on sunday at sheetz. then i broght her home n we had some fun;-) lol. i asked her out then n everything. shes the greatest. i wouldnt trade her for the world. shes the best in every way possible. shes beautiful. n everything. i'd say shes the hottest person ive ever dated. and let me tell you thats been a hell of a lot of people as we all know. and above all she promises that shes not going to hurt me, which i find amazingly wonderful. because i dont think i could handle being hurt again. her touch is amazing. i melt when her hands touch my body. like she was rubbing me in my room the other day n WOW. its like wooooo... i melted so daymn fast it wasnt funny. but we were also makin out and her lips are amazing as well. shes got that touch that noone else has and she always smells so wonderful. i cant wait till tomorrow. im going to go see her :-D i get to spend the entire day with her. i cant wait, were gonna take pictures n stuff. it'll be fun. i just wish she would come back to the computer i miss her and i want to talk to her so bad right now. ive been gone all day n havent gotten to talk to her. alrighty, ima head out.. I LOVE JAMIE LYNNE PAYNE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mood: Missing my baby...:-\
Music: rugrats are on.. shania was watching it till she went outside...


AHEM AHEM sweet enough right? well lets pull ahead to the present now shall we so I can prove a god damn point here. After a month dez decided to break up with me cuz I was 2 years younger n "JUST" needed time. Now I think that is a dumb reason to break someones heart when she was dating allison who was 14 and im 15. I guess she ran away cause she fell in love or so she sais here.

A few weeks back my friend well she wasnt my friend at the time but she happend to meet Dez on FTJ and they talked but then she messaged me and introduced herself. And since I guess she felt bad she let me see what dez was saying because I deserved to know and ladies and gentlemen here is what dez had to say and yes crimebydeath is dez in his convo for who ever is new here but I bet dez is the only person reading this but moving on now to the present conversation they had.


Deviant Dollie: Hey I saw you on FTJ im Kandy...
crimebydeath: ok cool.. are you ont here?
Deviant Dollie: Not yet
Deviant Dollie: Im getting my scanner tomarrow
crimebydeath: alrighty
Deviant Dollie: So where are you from and what do you like to do?
crimebydeath: pennsylvania... and softball and writing are my 2 main passions
Deviant Dollie: Are you serious?
crimebydeath: yeah why?
Deviant Dollie: I love softball
Deviant Dollie: and kick ball
crimebydeath: how old are you?
Deviant Dollie: 17
crimebydeath: ok
Deviant Dollie: you?
crimebydeath: 17
Deviant Dollie: when do you turn 18?
crimebydeath: may
Deviant Dollie: I turn 18 on October 5th
crimebydeath: cool cool
Deviant Dollie: are you single?
crimebydeath: nope
Deviant Dollie: darn
crimebydeath: why?
Deviant Dollie: I dont know it said you were in your profile on FTJ
crimebydeath: i havent changed that yet...
crimebydeath: my girl n i just got together a little over 2 weeks ago
Deviant Dollie: Oh ok then sorry for intruding
crimebydeath: oh no, its no problem...
crimebydeath: i dont mind the new people IM'n me.. i find it fun when people actually IM me from there...
Deviant Dollie: Yeah I just got over a break up so its nice to talk to new people
crimebydeath: im sorry to hear that...
Deviant Dollie: its ok I mean I still love the person they just scared me cause I was starting to love them toomuch and its best to be single
crimebydeath: yeah i know how that works...
Deviant Dollie: How what works?
crimebydeath: starting to fall in love with someone to much so you leave them even though you love them a whole lot.
Deviant Dollie: Yeah I feel bad
Deviant Dollie: but they will get over it
crimebydeath: yeah, you'll find someone that you really want to be with.
Deviant Dollie: Well I realy did want to be with them it wasnt that it was just it scared me cause of my feelings
Deviant Dollie: I dont like to give my heart and when I start feeling like that I gotta just run and hurt them
Deviant Dollie: but thats me
crimebydeath: yeah i know that feeling...
crimebydeath: but i learned to give my heart away.. and its been broken so many times
Deviant Dollie: Im not sure what I want to do
Deviant Dollie: I ended up hurting them when I said I wouldnt and I kept telling them u better not hurt me so I hurt them
Deviant Dollie: and its comfusing
crimebydeath: thats how it was with my last gf. i mean now that i look back she was pretty gross n stuff.. but i was falling in love with her so i ran from it
Deviant Dollie: gross?
crimebydeath: yeah.. she was pretty nasty...
crimebydeath: i kinda regret dating her now
Deviant Dollie: haha nasty how?
Deviant Dollie: with what she did?
crimebydeath wants to directly connect.
crimebydeath: let me showe you
crimebydeath is now directly connected.
crimebydeath:
crimebydeath: thats us...
Deviant Dollie: that aint nasty
Deviant Dollie: wait wait.....
Deviant Dollie: I think I saw her before....
Deviant Dollie: hold on
crimebydeath: shes under "brokenantichrist" on ftj
Deviant Dollie: it said no user exsits
crimebydeath: she must have deleted it
Deviant Dollie: hold on I know I seen her before
Deviant Dollie: isnt it slave something?
crimebydeath: not unless she made a new one
Deviant Dollie: she has u in her favs i think
crimebydeath: yeah she does
Deviant Dollie: but shes hot dude
Deviant Dollie:
crimebydeath direct connection is closed.
Deviant Dollie: that her?
Deviant Dollie: or is that someone else
crimebydeath: yeah...
crimebydeath: no shes not
Deviant Dollie: your kidding...
crimebydeath: NO im not
Deviant Dollie: want to see my pic when I get it?
crimebydeath: yeah
Deviant Dollie: Let me see if I have it on a disk
crimebydeath: alright
Deviant Dollie: alright while im messing with this to work
Deviant Dollie: what music you into?
crimebydeath: anything exept country
Deviant Dollie: I hate country
crimebydeath: im not real cool with rap either
crimebydeath: it just doesnt float my boat
Deviant Dollie: alright i got one to load
DeviantDollie wants to directly connect.
crimebydeath is now directly connected.
Deviant Dollie:
Deviant Dollie: nothing much
crimebydeath: after you thinking my ex was hot, i was expecting a lot worse... not saying your ugly... because your not BY FAR
Deviant Dollie: I wasnt trying to upset you or anything I just dont see anything nasty about her
Deviant Dollie: I know im ugly now
crimebydeath: im sure your not.
crimebydeath: shes a 14 year old stalking little bitch....
Deviant Dollie: hold on let me message her
Deviant Dollie: ill ask her a/s
crimebydeath: shes 14
crimebydeath: i dated her
Deviant Dollie: she said shes 15
crimebydeath: yeah she JUST turned 15....
crimebydeath: the 11th
crimebydeath: i forgot
Deviant Dollie: haha she realy must of pissed you off
Deviant Dollie: ill talk to her later about it and bitch her out
crimebydeath: no.. please dont bring me up in your conversation with her...
crimebydeath: you dont want to hear about any of it....
crimebydeath: she k nows im pissed at her
Deviant Dollie: why did you date her?
Deviant Dollie: lol
crimebydeath: to be 100% honest.. i fell for her lip ring..
crimebydeath: thats the ONLY god damn reason i can think of
Deviant Dollie: no offense but I realy dont like other people talking about others behinf thier backs
Deviant Dollie: I can understand where your coming from I hate my ex too but just calm down
Deviant Dollie: I wont message her anymore if you dont want me to
crimebydeath: whatever. im going to go wait for my gf to call.. im outtie.. lata
crimebydeath direct connection is closed.
Deviant Dollie: nice meeting you


Wow what a change in heart huh? Now heres the fun part where I get to quote all this shit.

#1. "QUOTE" - "crimebydeath:"< Dez-" thats how it was with my last gf. i mean now that i look back she was pretty gross n stuff.. but i was falling in love with her so i ran from it" OK lets see here now dez "I was pretty gross?" Now lets look back on what you said 2 months ago here....

"QUOTE" - Dez-"shes the best in every way possible. shes beautiful. n everything. i'd say shes the hottest person ive ever dated. and let me tell you thats been a hell of a lot of people as we all know."

Wow thats amazing see how you seem to lie about what I thought was in your heart dez? moving on.....

#2. "QUOTE" - "crimebydeath:" Dez - "shes under "brokenantichrist" on ftj"

Well now Dez I think you have that wrong considering my name is "BondageSlave" On www.facethejury.com and has always been that name.

#3. "QUOTE" - "crimebydeath:" Dez- "shes a 14 year old stalking little bitch...."

Well lets look back two months ago here ans continue seeing who the real bitch is here shall we? And by the way im 15! Sep. 11 1988 n u May 6 1986

"QUOTE" - Dez- "IM WITH THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!! i got myself a girlfriend. her name is Jamie Lynne Payne. "

"shes the greatest. i wouldnt trade her for the world. shes the best in every way possible. "

Its sad to know I once Belived Dez.... but I'll save that for later moving on again....

#4."QUOTE" Dez- "crimebydeath:" no.. please dont bring me up in your conversation with her..."
crimebydeath: "you dont want to hear about any of it...."
crimebydeath: "she k nows im pissed at her"

Your right doez god forbid of anyone heard anything out of what was true just so you can make me look like im the bitch when im not and make a ass out of yourself.I cant understand why anyone would be pissed off at me when she was the one who dumped me for her "reasons" and then after wants nothing to do with me and now sais this shit and uses everything I say against me as a excuse not to talk to me good job. Now moving on once again....

#5."QUOTE" Question-Deviant Dollie:- Friend-"why did you date her?
Deviant Dollie: lol"

Dez's reply.... "QUOTE" - Dez-"crimebydeath:" to be 100% honest.. i fell for her lip ring.. "
crimebydeath: -Dez-"thats the ONLY god damn reason i can think of"


Wow what a change from this......


Its been like Forever!! [7/02/03 6:39 PM]
its been like forever since ive written in this thing. let me inform you on the greatest news of my life. IM WITH THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!! i got myself a girlfriend. her name is Jamie Lynne Payne. shes amazing. we met for the first time online on friday.. and then met in person for the first time on sunday at sheetz. then i broght her home n we had some fun;-) lol. i asked her out then n everything. shes the greatest. i wouldnt trade her for the world. shes the best in every way possible. shes beautiful. n everything. i'd say shes the hottest person ive ever dated. and let me tell you thats been a hell of a lot of people as we all know. and above all she promises that shes not going to hurt me, which i find amazingly wonderful. because i dont think i could handle being hurt again. her touch is amazing. i melt when her hands touch my body. like she was rubbing me in my room the other day n WOW. its like wooooo... i melted so daymn fast it wasnt funny. but we were also makin out and her lips are amazing as well. shes got that touch that noone else has and she always smells so wonderful. i cant wait till tomorrow. im going to go see her :-D i get to spend the entire day with her. i cant wait, were gonna take pictures n stuff. it'll be fun. i just wish she would come back to the computer i miss her and i want to talk to her so bad right now. ive been gone all day n havent gotten to talk to her. alrighty, ima head out.. I LOVE JAMIE LYNNE PAYNE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mood: Missing my baby...:-\
Music: rugrats are on.. shania was watching it till she went outside...

But no no everyone im a bitch. All i ever wanted from you dez was the truth thats it thats all I ever wanted and when u looked in my eyes and told me stuff like that and sais you meant it I honesly thought you did. I gave tou 2 months but how can I talk things out with you when you wont even let me or explain how Ifeeling n its very unfair and I dont see how calling you once ever month or once every 3 weeks is such a crime when I just ask you how u r and whats up and all you do is push me away for nothing and just hate me like that.

I wasnt trying to break up you and Kat but dez who else can I talk to you wont. I dont have a right breaking you guys up but I do have a right talking to her without you over reacting. I think I deserve your attention now but seriouly just look at all this and how would you feel if someone did that to you? I know you been hurt many times but baby I promised I would never hut you and I never did and If your right about everything and Im wrong then why am I still here and your gone? Everything you promised never to do you did and Every thing I promised never to do to you well you did it to me Dez.
Im not trying to stalk you im just trying to be heard im human for christ sakes I have feelings too ya know dez n im sure everything I just did u will use against me just like talking to Kat and blaming me for trying to break you guys up. I told her she was lucky to have u n told her I missed u n what once happend but to take care of you. But as I look at everything i tell myself everyday wjhy should I try fighting for someone who I thought loved me with all thier heart and wouldnt trade me for the world n now do this to me dez? Why? I just want answers and good answers u can hate me I dont care dez but I will always love u. Even Kat said u were over reacting for me talking to her.


Alright so maybe im not done proving my point. This is that last replys I will be making forever now. Today I sat down to think about all that has happened and why am I a bitch? Im not trying to gain up on you dez I just want u too look at what im looking at and I cant get over it no one deserves this not anyone and you know that dez. I remember the time you dedicated me that one song by good charlotte say anytthing when we were together and now that I listen to it it was like u knew the future of how much my heart was gonna heart and its all in the song. Anyway this is the ending of everything but before I go forever I just wanna point out a few more things so everyone can hold thier negative thoughts. Just let me say what I have to say.

This isa bit a flash back thing im gonna do here and get in to pointing out some thins then say another ending and thats it im done trying to tell how I feel when all you do is push my thoughts n vies away so dez i know you are reading this so just try and understand what im pointing out here now lets begin.

The day after we met I remember writing a journal thing simular to yours cause I guess we met and we both wrote about and we all knoww hat you said and well heres what I said so hear me out.

Yesterday I finaly met Dez. We decided to meet at sheetz and my mom gave me a ride. I gotthere and still I didnt see her thinking she blew me off but then she was there. I was nervous as hell but it wasn't a bad thing because the first minute I saw her standing there I was happy. I talked to her a little and we got on her sisters car and I sat up front. I was still nervius but the ride to thier place helped me alot. I was quiet and just listened to what they were saying. When I got there I was syprised or atleast thought it would be something huge but I stll liked her house but since Dez was there I didnt just like it I loved it. We got out of the car and she tried to kiss me but I was still nervius and I didnt let her right then. We walked in and I thought it was realy nice not something you see every day. We walked in her room and I was standing looking at her ex b/f and g/fs which kinda made me feel bad. She once again tried to hug me but I refused but after sitting there I gave her a hug. Her little sister kept going by the room smiling and I think she knew what was going on from the start. She said she has a cemetary right next to her house which wasn't far so Dez and me walked up and as suprising as it is I held her hand and walked up with her up this little path and sat down on the bench. It was quiet and im sure other people would of said it was boring and maybe it was but just knowing she was there and loved me was the greatest place I will ever be as long as I know she's there. She tried putting her arm around me and I refused it because I was still scared and when I say scared I mean it and I called her my g/f once again even though we werent going out yet. I finaly let her hold me and I gugged her close to me and she made me blush. I said hush and she said oh realy I wonder how your going to do that. I knew she wanted a kiss and I would of but i wasnt ready yet so I put my hand over her mouth and she licked it. It was kinda funny but I also thought it was sweet. I was geting use to holding her there with me and then I finaly kissed her lips and I know I'll never have a kiss like that ever again because she's the sweetest and most loving girl I know I will ever have in my life and when I say that I realy mean it. Then I asked I guess you liked licking and of course she said yes. I licked her lips then kissed her and started to french kiss. After that I held her again and kissed her neck. She asked me if I ever asked you out what would you say? I told her if you were to ever sk me out I would say yes. Then she said would you be my g/f? and I knew what I had to do and I knew I loved her to and I said yes. While after I said that I was thinking in my mind that I hope I never lose her because she's the furst girl ever to tell me they love me and actulymean it and I know if we ever broke up I could never find anyone as sweet and like her ever again in my life.


In my mind I was thinking about what she ssaid before alot of people have hurt her and she hurt some of them but I have also did the same only they hurt me more. I just hope everything works out between us and I dont mess up what I have because no one is ever that lucky and everyone has one chance at something great. We started to walk back into the house again into her room and the first minute we walked in we kissed again and sat down. As I wass itting there looking at her b/ and all her ex g/f's my eyes started to get teary because I looked at all of them and said to myself and her that I could never be as great as them even by looks and personality. I started to think how can someone that great have all those peole and how attractive and good they were whle thinking I was nothing I loose at everything. She told me they were ass holes to her and im better then all of them put together and that she loves me and shes in love with me. I almost started to cry because I was happy but also sad looking at all her ex's I dont see how any of them could ever hurt someone like her shes the most beautiful and sweetst girl anyone could ever meet and shes everything. I didnt know what to say or do I just kept thinking how anyone could do that to her and trying to fid the words to say all at once and I hope I never hurt her. I think when you love someone andd you have someone as great as her then as long as you know you truly love them not anyobne can come between that love and I couldnt even think about kissing anyone else but her or even think of cheating on her I couldnt do that shes to great to even consuider it and I love her too much and want to be with her forever. I know im making this story long but I think evr minute is worth it and she deserves it more then anyone I know. I love her too much to ever leave and I know people have told her that and done it but I cant and hope I dont but i also know I wont unless she leaves me. I wish I had roses and a ring for her I wish I could of shown more and made it more right I wanted to do everything I cold t make her happy right then and there but next time im going to make it realy special for her. It ws time to eat dinner and aftr dinner it was time for DEz and her sister to take me back home. I realy didnt want to eat but she made me but I guess thats what loving g/f's do right? I sat there and ate it which took me a long time because I ate slow she was done wating and so was I. I remembered I forgot her picture she gave me in her room and we went back and got it then she kissed me again and I kissed her back holding her and when I kissed her I actuly felt her there and wouldnt accept thering she tried to give because I would feel bad. We told them we would be waiting in the car but her sister came and Dez got made because she wanted to sit in the back with me and cuddle and kiss but we couldnt cause her little sister came with us which got her a little mad I think. Even though I was sitting up front and she was in the back as sweet as she is she pt her arm and hand on my shoulder running my shoulder. I held her hand behind me and she kissed my hand and after awhile I kissed hers back. I saw her ring almost off her finger I knew she was giving it to me and Id feel bad if I didnt accept it but I did and I know I have yo give it back because her parents bought it for her not someone else and I have to give it back next time I see her. But next time I do go I'll have a ring and roses for her because I knoe she will love that. I never anted the ride to end and everyhing went by soo fast even the ride I wish it neeverended I didnt want to sy bye to her but we finaly got to my house and I got out leaving the door open for dezand befor they left I said I love you and she said it back. I was inside and saw them leave hoping she knew I was ther staring down on her. Im cared I might loose her like I loose everything and Thursday werre supose to meet again or wednesday thats if im allowed.


Now thats what I had to say aboutthat but moving on but just so everyone can get the jist of everything.


Moving on to the break up..


DezBFCHH: hey hunny
BrokenAntichrist: hey!
BrokenAntichrist: I missed you
DezBFCHH: how ya doin baby?
DezBFCHH: i missed you too
BrokenAntichrist: ok i just woke up not to long ago
BrokenAntichrist: at like 11
BrokenAntichrist: SO SEE I DO SLEEP!
BrokenAntichrist: lol
DezBFCHH: thats about when i was up too.. sarah called this morning n woke me up
BrokenAntichrist: ahhh
BrokenAntichrist: thats cool
DezBFCHH: yeah then i made some noodles to eat for breakfast!:-D
BrokenAntichrist: lol
BrokenAntichrist: fun fun
DezBFCHH: yup
BrokenAntichrist: welp I woke up to no one home
BrokenAntichrist: i think ur medication has been actin up
BrokenAntichrist: cuz last night u didnt seem like urself and now u r
BrokenAntichrist: its crazy
DezBFCHH: whys that?
BrokenAntichrist: dunno hun
BrokenAntichrist: I missed u!
DezBFCHH: i missed you too
BrokenAntichrist: me more!
BrokenAntichrist: u there?
DezBFCHH: yeah sorry, had to run to the kitchen for a minute
BrokenAntichrist: its okie
BrokenAntichrist: *is still working on the poem*
DezBFCHH: [IMG]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/sarge/Guillotine_anim.gif[/IMG]
DezBFCHH: damnit
DezBFCHH: its supposed to show the smiley
BrokenAntichrist: http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/sarge/Guillotine_anim.g
BrokenAntichrist: *clicks it*
BrokenAntichrist: hmm didnt work
BrokenAntichrist: u gotta copy n paste it
BrokenAntichrist wants to directly connect.
DezBFCHH is now directly connected.
BrokenAntichrist: now try but without the url thing
DezBFCHH:
DezBFCHH: but its not going
BrokenAntichrist: ohh I know that one
DezBFCHH: its not dropping
BrokenAntichrist: lol
BrokenAntichrist: thats cause u gotta save it
BrokenAntichrist: then send it
BrokenAntichrist: but dont worry about it hun
BrokenAntichrist: lol
DezBFCHH:
BrokenAntichrist: lol
DezBFCHH: hehe its got the rainbow!:-D
BrokenAntichrist: like u
DezBFCHH:
BrokenAntichrist: actuly u r like the rainbow ur personality ur beautiful looks n ur hair all put in to one like one great rainbow with all the colors needed to make u u n the beautiful girl that i love with all my heart
DezBFCHH: stop hun...
BrokenAntichrist: why?
DezBFCHH: i mean yes, im flatered... but still stop.
BrokenAntichrist: ok hun im sorry
DezBFCHH: i guess im just not in the mood to be all mushy today or something...:-\
BrokenAntichrist: its ok
BrokenAntichrist: whats on your mind?
DezBFCHH: nothing.. just thinkin bout a lotta stuff.
BrokenAntichrist: :-(


BrokenAntichrist: is it bad?
DezBFCHH: i dont know, it could be..
BrokenAntichrist: I mean desirae i know somethings going on im not an idiot I can tell
BrokenAntichrist: i could tell when I saw you
BrokenAntichrist: and even when u say theres nothing wrong I can tell there is n i feel like crying cuz ur afraid to tell me
DezBFCHH: jamie, i love you... but im just confused right now
BrokenAntichrist: and im even afraid to listen but id rather know then be sad about it and have u be that way too
BrokenAntichrist: comfused about?
BrokenAntichrist: ?:-\
DezBFCHH: confused about what i want right now... i mean YES i love you with all of my heart, and i want to be with you. but theres part of me that is thinking about breaking it off because i dont want to end up hurting you in the end. and because i dont think i can handle a relationship right now. im thinking about going back to just keeping my relationships with girls online because im scared to be with one in real life. because im afraid im going to get hurt, or im going to hurt someone i love so much.
BrokenAntichrist: :-(ok
DezBFCHH: but i want you in my life...
DezBFCHH: i dont want to lose you totally
BrokenAntichrist: Just wanna let you know even if you dont wanna hear it I knew u were going to do this but im not mad cuz i understand. Everything always goes wrong for me but I want you to know out of everyone ive ever been with you will always be the only girl I ever truly loved and never have I ever had someone realy love me as much as u did and maybe I could find someone else but its hard because everything they could be you already are and it could never have happend so perfectly right at the right time n know exactly how to treat me
BrokenAntichrist: n i love u with all my heart and i would never hurt u but i know u get that alot n even if u did hurt me id try to understand n slowly get passed it because i love u n ever pain in my hear is worth it cuz ur my world n always will be n i love u
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
DezBFCHH: jamie, i love you.. but its for the best
DezBFCHH: and you know it
BrokenAntichrist: why
BrokenAntichrist: why is it for the best
DezBFCHH: i want to still be in your life.. i just cant be the perfect girl in your life...
BrokenAntichrist: you only get hurt when u let it happen
BrokenAntichrist: how would u hurt me?
DezBFCHH: it always ends up that i hurt someone...
BrokenAntichrist: but it doesnt have to be
BrokenAntichrist: how do u know whats going to happen
BrokenAntichrist: and I know I could never hurt u because i love u
DezBFCHH: look back at my relationship with dave... i mean yes, i dont like to bring it back up. but still look at it. i hurt him so bad because i needed time to be on my own. and tahts what i need right now. i need time to be on my own and figure out what the hell i want in my life and what the hell i can handle
BrokenAntichrist: n when I look at u n talk to u n hold u n look into ur eyes i feel like crying because I love u soo much and i love soo much that my heart aches and I know i could never hurt u because ur the onlything in the world that I love
DezBFCHH: then just give me some time....
BrokenAntichrist: but ok but also know im not gonna be another ass hole on your list of people
BrokenAntichrist: because i might or might not say fuck u i wan nothing to do with u now after that
DezBFCHH: i know your not.. i still love you with ALL of my heart
BrokenAntichrist: im not gonna do that
BrokenAntichrist: so ok then
BrokenAntichrist: but tell me everything was going great why like do this?
DezBFCHH: i just cant be in a relationship with you right now.
BrokenAntichrist: why not?
BrokenAntichrist: I want to know why
DezBFCHH: i need to know what i can and cant handle
DezBFCHH: on my own
BrokenAntichrist: u tried that last time though
BrokenAntichrist: and did it get u a answer
DezBFCHH: no...
BrokenAntichrist: and why is that


DezBFCHH: because i didnt look for it hard enough
DezBFCHH: i WANT an answer this time.. im going to look to find it because i want to be with you...
BrokenAntichrist: do u think that if we break up n see if u can do it n think to urself who u realy are ull learn what u did and realize the truth
DezBFCHH: realize the truth that i love you and i probably should have never broken it off? yes thats what i hope to realize
BrokenAntichrist: and no relationship is perfect and the only way to make it sronger is to break up is the answer to everything even though ur taking a great chance of loosing everything
DezBFCHH: i know. thats why im doing it baby
DezBFCHH: i love you.. i really do... i hope you believe me
BrokenAntichrist: i do
BrokenAntichrist: im justtrying to relax n try to see things from ur point of view
BrokenAntichrist: n just trying to talk about it n see if im even right
BrokenAntichrist: well u never find it if your looking for it. I know i should of done or said something when i was with u but I guess it was better to just be with u n just wait so none of us will hurt even more n what I already am
DezBFCHH: you have no idea how friggin hard this is to do on my part because i love you so much. and if i didndt have maggie here right now, well she just pulled in. i probably would be dead, or very close to it...
BrokenAntichrist: :-(n if u said i was right n thats why ur doing it ok and even though this is the most hurt in my heart ive ever felt in my life maybe its worth it cause your thre biggest thing in my life
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
BrokenAntichrist: but is that why desirae
DezBFCHH: i love you... i dont know what i want though... p lease
BrokenAntichrist: I just still dontthink u should run away n try to find the answer even if u think its best but if u think by breaking up will help u realize who u r n about this relationship n the only wy to make it work n have it stronger by doing this then ok
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
DezBFCHH: it is.. i want to find answers, and i want to know i can do it by myself. just give me a few days...i still want you in my life BELIEVE ME i still want you as a friend.. a very close one at that, but i just need a break from the relationship.. ok?
BrokenAntichrist: forever?
DezBFCHH: NO for now, to find out what i want
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
BrokenAntichrist: *breaks down crying n leaves*
DezBFCHH: yes you have no idea. i havent stopped since the first words i said to you today....
DezBFCHH: DONT LEAVE
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
BrokenAntichrist: I just wish i was there to hold u n cry my eyes out
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
DezBFCHH: yes but that would defeat the whole purpose of what im doing... you know?
BrokenAntichrist: n tell u how much i love u n beg u not to do it but i cant do anything anymore
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
DezBFCHH: im sorry.. and thats all i can say anymore
DezBFCHH: but this is what NEEDS to happen jamie...
DezBFCHH: jamie, i love you... im going. i hope you understand why im doing this.. and i ihope you know that i care about you. i just need this right now. its for the better. i love you, and ill talkto you later... take care please...

Auto response from BrokenAntichrist: :'(Dying. How can the only person that can only make you happy causes your tears:'(*bangs head of the wall n crys my fucking face into the cement :'(

DezBFCHH direct connection is closed.
BrokenAntichrist: i love u:'(
DezBFCHH signed off at 11:50:20 AM.


Now I will list these quotes in order to oldest to earliest all in order then after I post this Ill explain everyone but im sure as u can see it looks awful messed up.

#1 "Quote" "Dez"BFCHH: "confused about what i want right now... i mean "YES i love you with all of my heart", and i want to be with you. but theres part of me that is thinking about breaking it off because i dont want to end up hurting you in the end. and because i dont think i can handle a relationship right now. im thinking about going back to just keeping my relationships with girls online because im scared to be with one in real life. because im afraid im going to get hurt, or im going to hurt someone "i love so much."

#2 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "but i want you in my life..."

#3 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH:" then just give me some time"....

#4 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "i WANT an answer this time.. im going to look to find it because "i want to be with you"..."

#5 "Quote" "Dez"BFCHH: "realize the truth that i love you" and i probably "should have never broken it off"? yes thats what i hope to realize"

#6 "Quote""Dez"BFCHH: "i love you.. i really do... i hope you believe me"

#7 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "it is.. i want to find answers, and i want to know i can do it by myself. "just give me a few days"..."i still want you in my life "

#8 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "you mean the world to me Jamie"

#9 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: fuck.. i mean god.." you dont think i care about you" at all? god "i fuckin love you".. "i just want it to work".. so just give it time

next day...

#10 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: no i just "dnot want to be with you jamie"

2 days later....

#11 "QUOTE" cobra8367501"Dez"BFCHH: "so. and you know i like it"

#12 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "ive been talking evil to you tonite"

#13 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "im sorry.. *kisses your lip"*

#14 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: fine i'll say it... "I LOV EYOU"
cobra8367501<"Dez"BFCHH: "YES"

next day...

#15 "QUOTE" cobra8367501
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<dezbfchh:>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Alright everyone before you all read this let me explain. My ex girlfriend and I were together for almost 3 months and on and off she sais she loves me and hates me. I know she has a gg/f but I think sometimes she's mean and sais she hates me is because she still cares about me and it makes her maad so she shows she cares by anger and hostility. Theres other times where I think I meant nothing to her but that can't be true. She tells me to leave her alone and to let it go but how can I let it go when her herself writes on message boards talking about our relationship. Her g/f tells me she would have been mine if I was honest to her and left her alone. When I first met her it was online and I don't give out my real info exactly all the time. When we started dating I forgot to tell her my real age but on our 4th date I did tell her and it didn't seem like she cared. I would of left her alone when she said she needed time but when I did she'd message me and tell me she still loved me and stuff so it was even harder to give her time, that or she had new g/f's all the time. It's been over a year and I don't knowwhat to do... she was one of my greatest loves and for everyone who is will to read and help out... thank you so here you go. I saved alot of the recent convo's and stuff so you can kinda see wat happend. I guess im a stalker.



As many of us know dez hates me but what you dont know is I have every right to still talk to her and know why we had to end a perfect relationship over nothing and why Dez runs from her feelings. Let me take you through step by fucking step here.

This is still In Dez's Subprofile Journal and no im not making this up and Dez dont try to take it out of your sub profile to make me out of a liar and you have no right to hate me. So jusr so everyone knows im not lying heres evidence that everything im saying is true.

Going on 9 months...

Now lets begin...


A: This was written in Dez's subprofule journal..........STILL


Its been like Forever!! [7/02/03 6:39 PM]
its been like forever since ive written in this thing. let me inform you on the greatest news of my life. IM WITH THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!! i got myself a girlfriend. her name is Jamie Lynne Payne. shes amazing. we met for the first time online on friday.. and then met in person for the first time on sunday at sheetz. then i broght her home n we had some fun;-) lol. i asked her out then n everything. shes the greatest. i wouldnt trade her for the world. shes the best in every way possible. shes beautiful. n everything. i'd say shes the hottest person ive ever dated. and let me tell you thats been a hell of a lot of people as we all know. and above all she promises that shes not going to hurt me, which i find amazingly wonderful. because i dont think i could handle being hurt again. her touch is amazing. i melt when her hands touch my body. like she was rubbing me in my room the other day n WOW. its like wooooo... i melted so daymn fast it wasnt funny. but we were also makin out and her lips are amazing as well. shes got that touch that noone else has and she always smells so wonderful. i cant wait till tomorrow. im going to go see her :-D i get to spend the entire day with her. i cant wait, were gonna take pictures n stuff. it'll be fun. i just wish she would come back to the computer i miss her and i want to talk to her so bad right now. ive been gone all day n havent gotten to talk to her. alrighty, ima head out.. I LOVE JAMIE LYNNE PAYNE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mood: Missing my baby...:-\
Music: rugrats are on.. shania was watching it till she went outside...


AHEM AHEM sweet enough right? well lets pull ahead to the present now shall we so I can prove a god damn point here. After a month dez decided to break up with me cuz I was 2 years younger n "JUST" needed time. Now I think that is a dumb reason to break someones heart when she was dating allison who was 14 and im 15. I guess she ran away cause she fell in love or so she sais here.

A few weeks back my friend well she wasnt my friend at the time but she happend to meet Dez on FTJ and they talked but then she messaged me and introduced herself. And since I guess she felt bad she let me see what dez was saying because I deserved to know and ladies and gentlemen here is what dez had to say and yes crimebydeath is dez in his convo for who ever is new here but I bet dez is the only person reading this but moving on now to the present conversation they had.


Deviant Dollie: Hey I saw you on FTJ im Kandy...
crimebydeath: ok cool.. are you ont here?
Deviant Dollie: Not yet
Deviant Dollie: Im getting my scanner tomarrow
crimebydeath: alrighty
Deviant Dollie: So where are you from and what do you like to do?
crimebydeath: pennsylvania... and softball and writing are my 2 main passions
Deviant Dollie: Are you serious?
crimebydeath: yeah why?
Deviant Dollie: I love softball
Deviant Dollie: and kick ball
crimebydeath: how old are you?
Deviant Dollie: 17
crimebydeath: ok
Deviant Dollie: you?
crimebydeath: 17
Deviant Dollie: when do you turn 18?
crimebydeath: may
Deviant Dollie: I turn 18 on October 5th
crimebydeath: cool cool
Deviant Dollie: are you single?
crimebydeath: nope
Deviant Dollie: darn
crimebydeath: why?
Deviant Dollie: I dont know it said you were in your profile on FTJ
crimebydeath: i havent changed that yet...
crimebydeath: my girl n i just got together a little over 2 weeks ago
Deviant Dollie: Oh ok then sorry for intruding
crimebydeath: oh no, its no problem...
crimebydeath: i dont mind the new people IM'n me.. i find it fun when people actually IM me from there...
Deviant Dollie: Yeah I just got over a break up so its nice to talk to new people
crimebydeath: im sorry to hear that...
Deviant Dollie: its ok I mean I still love the person they just scared me cause I was starting to love them toomuch and its best to be single
crimebydeath: yeah i know how that works...
Deviant Dollie: How what works?
crimebydeath: starting to fall in love with someone to much so you leave them even though you love them a whole lot.
Deviant Dollie: Yeah I feel bad
Deviant Dollie: but they will get over it
crimebydeath: yeah, you'll find someone that you really want to be with.
Deviant Dollie: Well I realy did want to be with them it wasnt that it was just it scared me cause of my feelings
Deviant Dollie: I dont like to give my heart and when I start feeling like that I gotta just run and hurt them
Deviant Dollie: but thats me
crimebydeath: yeah i know that feeling...
crimebydeath: but i learned to give my heart away.. and its been broken so many times
Deviant Dollie: Im not sure what I want to do
Deviant Dollie: I ended up hurting them when I said I wouldnt and I kept telling them u better not hurt me so I hurt them
Deviant Dollie: and its comfusing
crimebydeath: thats how it was with my last gf. i mean now that i look back she was pretty gross n stuff.. but i was falling in love with her so i ran from it
Deviant Dollie: gross?
crimebydeath: yeah.. she was pretty nasty...
crimebydeath: i kinda regret dating her now
Deviant Dollie: haha nasty how?
Deviant Dollie: with what she did?
crimebydeath wants to directly connect.
crimebydeath: let me showe you
crimebydeath is now directly connected.
crimebydeath:
crimebydeath: thats us...
Deviant Dollie: that aint nasty
Deviant Dollie: wait wait.....
Deviant Dollie: I think I saw her before....
Deviant Dollie: hold on
crimebydeath: shes under "brokenantichrist" on ftj
Deviant Dollie: it said no user exsits
crimebydeath: she must have deleted it
Deviant Dollie: hold on I know I seen her before
Deviant Dollie: isnt it slave something?
crimebydeath: not unless she made a new one
Deviant Dollie: she has u in her favs i think
crimebydeath: yeah she does
Deviant Dollie: but shes hot dude
Deviant Dollie:
crimebydeath direct connection is closed.
Deviant Dollie: that her?
Deviant Dollie: or is that someone else
crimebydeath: yeah...
crimebydeath: no shes not
Deviant Dollie: your kidding...
crimebydeath: NO im not
Deviant Dollie: want to see my pic when I get it?
crimebydeath: yeah
Deviant Dollie: Let me see if I have it on a disk
crimebydeath: alright
Deviant Dollie: alright while im messing with this to work
Deviant Dollie: what music you into?
crimebydeath: anything exept country
Deviant Dollie: I hate country
crimebydeath: im not real cool with rap either
crimebydeath: it just doesnt float my boat
Deviant Dollie: alright i got one to load
DeviantDollie wants to directly connect.
crimebydeath is now directly connected.
Deviant Dollie:
Deviant Dollie: nothing much
crimebydeath: after you thinking my ex was hot, i was expecting a lot worse... not saying your ugly... because your not BY FAR
Deviant Dollie: I wasnt trying to upset you or anything I just dont see anything nasty about her
Deviant Dollie: I know im ugly now
crimebydeath: im sure your not.
crimebydeath: shes a 14 year old stalking little bitch....
Deviant Dollie: hold on let me message her
Deviant Dollie: ill ask her a/s
crimebydeath: shes 14
crimebydeath: i dated her
Deviant Dollie: she said shes 15
crimebydeath: yeah she JUST turned 15....
crimebydeath: the 11th
crimebydeath: i forgot
Deviant Dollie: haha she realy must of pissed you off
Deviant Dollie: ill talk to her later about it and bitch her out
crimebydeath: no.. please dont bring me up in your conversation with her...
crimebydeath: you dont want to hear about any of it....
crimebydeath: she k nows im pissed at her
Deviant Dollie: why did you date her?
Deviant Dollie: lol
crimebydeath: to be 100% honest.. i fell for her lip ring..
crimebydeath: thats the ONLY god damn reason i can think of
Deviant Dollie: no offense but I realy dont like other people talking about others behinf thier backs
Deviant Dollie: I can understand where your coming from I hate my ex too but just calm down
Deviant Dollie: I wont message her anymore if you dont want me to
crimebydeath: whatever. im going to go wait for my gf to call.. im outtie.. lata
crimebydeath direct connection is closed.
Deviant Dollie: nice meeting you


Wow what a change in heart huh? Now heres the fun part where I get to quote all this shit.

#1. "QUOTE" - "crimebydeath:"< Dez-" thats how it was with my last gf. i mean now that i look back she was pretty gross n stuff.. but i was falling in love with her so i ran from it" OK lets see here now dez "I was pretty gross?" Now lets look back on what you said 2 months ago here....

"QUOTE" - Dez-"shes the best in every way possible. shes beautiful. n everything. i'd say shes the hottest person ive ever dated. and let me tell you thats been a hell of a lot of people as we all know."

Wow thats amazing see how you seem to lie about what I thought was in your heart dez? moving on.....

#2. "QUOTE" - "crimebydeath:" Dez - "shes under "brokenantichrist" on ftj"

Well now Dez I think you have that wrong considering my name is "BondageSlave" On www.facethejury.com and has always been that name.

#3. "QUOTE" - "crimebydeath:" Dez- "shes a 14 year old stalking little bitch...."

Well lets look back two months ago here ans continue seeing who the real bitch is here shall we? And by the way im 15! Sep. 11 1988 n u May 6 1986

"QUOTE" - Dez- "IM WITH THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!! i got myself a girlfriend. her name is Jamie Lynne Payne. "

"shes the greatest. i wouldnt trade her for the world. shes the best in every way possible. "

Its sad to know I once Belived Dez.... but I'll save that for later moving on again....

#4."QUOTE" Dez- "crimebydeath:" no.. please dont bring me up in your conversation with her..."
crimebydeath: "you dont want to hear about any of it...."
crimebydeath: "she k nows im pissed at her"

Your right doez god forbid of anyone heard anything out of what was true just so you can make me look like im the bitch when im not and make a ass out of yourself.I cant understand why anyone would be pissed off at me when she was the one who dumped me for her "reasons" and then after wants nothing to do with me and now sais this shit and uses everything I say against me as a excuse not to talk to me good job. Now moving on once again....

#5."QUOTE" Question-Deviant Dollie:- Friend-"why did you date her?
Deviant Dollie: lol"

Dez's reply.... "QUOTE" - Dez-"crimebydeath:" to be 100% honest.. i fell for her lip ring.. "
crimebydeath: -Dez-"thats the ONLY god damn reason i can think of"


Wow what a change from this......


Its been like Forever!! [7/02/03 6:39 PM]
its been like forever since ive written in this thing. let me inform you on the greatest news of my life. IM WITH THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!! i got myself a girlfriend. her name is Jamie Lynne Payne. shes amazing. we met for the first time online on friday.. and then met in person for the first time on sunday at sheetz. then i broght her home n we had some fun;-) lol. i asked her out then n everything. shes the greatest. i wouldnt trade her for the world. shes the best in every way possible. shes beautiful. n everything. i'd say shes the hottest person ive ever dated. and let me tell you thats been a hell of a lot of people as we all know. and above all she promises that shes not going to hurt me, which i find amazingly wonderful. because i dont think i could handle being hurt again. her touch is amazing. i melt when her hands touch my body. like she was rubbing me in my room the other day n WOW. its like wooooo... i melted so daymn fast it wasnt funny. but we were also makin out and her lips are amazing as well. shes got that touch that noone else has and she always smells so wonderful. i cant wait till tomorrow. im going to go see her :-D i get to spend the entire day with her. i cant wait, were gonna take pictures n stuff. it'll be fun. i just wish she would come back to the computer i miss her and i want to talk to her so bad right now. ive been gone all day n havent gotten to talk to her. alrighty, ima head out.. I LOVE JAMIE LYNNE PAYNE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mood: Missing my baby...:-\
Music: rugrats are on.. shania was watching it till she went outside...

But no no everyone im a bitch. All i ever wanted from you dez was the truth thats it thats all I ever wanted and when u looked in my eyes and told me stuff like that and sais you meant it I honesly thought you did. I gave tou 2 months but how can I talk things out with you when you wont even let me or explain how Ifeeling n its very unfair and I dont see how calling you once ever month or once every 3 weeks is such a crime when I just ask you how u r and whats up and all you do is push me away for nothing and just hate me like that.

I wasnt trying to break up you and Kat but dez who else can I talk to you wont. I dont have a right breaking you guys up but I do have a right talking to her without you over reacting. I think I deserve your attention now but seriouly just look at all this and how would you feel if someone did that to you? I know you been hurt many times but baby I promised I would never hut you and I never did and If your right about everything and Im wrong then why am I still here and your gone? Everything you promised never to do you did and Every thing I promised never to do to you well you did it to me Dez.
Im not trying to stalk you im just trying to be heard im human for christ sakes I have feelings too ya know dez n im sure everything I just did u will use against me just like talking to Kat and blaming me for trying to break you guys up. I told her she was lucky to have u n told her I missed u n what once happend but to take care of you. But as I look at everything i tell myself everyday wjhy should I try fighting for someone who I thought loved me with all thier heart and wouldnt trade me for the world n now do this to me dez? Why? I just want answers and good answers u can hate me I dont care dez but I will always love u. Even Kat said u were over reacting for me talking to her.


Alright so maybe im not done proving my point. This is that last replys I will be making forever now. Today I sat down to think about all that has happened and why am I a bitch? Im not trying to gain up on you dez I just want u too look at what im looking at and I cant get over it no one deserves this not anyone and you know that dez. I remember the time you dedicated me that one song by good charlotte say anytthing when we were together and now that I listen to it it was like u knew the future of how much my heart was gonna heart and its all in the song. Anyway this is the ending of everything but before I go forever I just wanna point out a few more things so everyone can hold thier negative thoughts. Just let me say what I have to say.

This isa bit a flash back thing im gonna do here and get in to pointing out some thins then say another ending and thats it im done trying to tell how I feel when all you do is push my thoughts n vies away so dez i know you are reading this so just try and understand what im pointing out here now lets begin.

The day after we met I remember writing a journal thing simular to yours cause I guess we met and we both wrote about and we all knoww hat you said and well heres what I said so hear me out.

Yesterday I finaly met Dez. We decided to meet at sheetz and my mom gave me a ride. I gotthere and still I didnt see her thinking she blew me off but then she was there. I was nervous as hell but it wasn't a bad thing because the first minute I saw her standing there I was happy. I talked to her a little and we got on her sisters car and I sat up front. I was still nervius but the ride to thier place helped me alot. I was quiet and just listened to what they were saying. When I got there I was syprised or atleast thought it would be something huge but I stll liked her house but since Dez was there I didnt just like it I loved it. We got out of the car and she tried to kiss me but I was still nervius and I didnt let her right then. We walked in and I thought it was realy nice not something you see every day. We walked in her room and I was standing looking at her ex b/f and g/fs which kinda made me feel bad. She once again tried to hug me but I refused but after sitting there I gave her a hug. Her little sister kept going by the room smiling and I think she knew what was going on from the start. She said she has a cemetary right next to her house which wasn't far so Dez and me walked up and as suprising as it is I held her hand and walked up with her up this little path and sat down on the bench. It was quiet and im sure other people would of said it was boring and maybe it was but just knowing she was there and loved me was the greatest place I will ever be as long as I know she's there. She tried putting her arm around me and I refused it because I was still scared and when I say scared I mean it and I called her my g/f once again even though we werent going out yet. I finaly let her hold me and I gugged her close to me and she made me blush. I said hush and she said oh realy I wonder how your going to do that. I knew she wanted a kiss and I would of but i wasnt ready yet so I put my hand over her mouth and she licked it. It was kinda funny but I also thought it was sweet. I was geting use to holding her there with me and then I finaly kissed her lips and I know I'll never have a kiss like that ever again because she's the sweetest and most loving girl I know I will ever have in my life and when I say that I realy mean it. Then I asked I guess you liked licking and of course she said yes. I licked her lips then kissed her and started to french kiss. After that I held her again and kissed her neck. She asked me if I ever asked you out what would you say? I told her if you were to ever sk me out I would say yes. Then she said would you be my g/f? and I knew what I had to do and I knew I loved her to and I said yes. While after I said that I was thinking in my mind that I hope I never lose her because she's the furst girl ever to tell me they love me and actulymean it and I know if we ever broke up I could never find anyone as sweet and like her ever again in my life.


In my mind I was thinking about what she ssaid before alot of people have hurt her and she hurt some of them but I have also did the same only they hurt me more. I just hope everything works out between us and I dont mess up what I have because no one is ever that lucky and everyone has one chance at something great. We started to walk back into the house again into her room and the first minute we walked in we kissed again and sat down. As I wass itting there looking at her b/ and all her ex g/f's my eyes started to get teary because I looked at all of them and said to myself and her that I could never be as great as them even by looks and personality. I started to think how can someone that great have all those peole and how attractive and good they were whle thinking I was nothing I loose at everything. She told me they were ass holes to her and im better then all of them put together and that she loves me and shes in love with me. I almost started to cry because I was happy but also sad looking at all her ex's I dont see how any of them could ever hurt someone like her shes the most beautiful and sweetst girl anyone could ever meet and shes everything. I didnt know what to say or do I just kept thinking how anyone could do that to her and trying to fid the words to say all at once and I hope I never hurt her. I think when you love someone andd you have someone as great as her then as long as you know you truly love them not anyobne can come between that love and I couldnt even think about kissing anyone else but her or even think of cheating on her I couldnt do that shes to great to even consuider it and I love her too much and want to be with her forever. I know im making this story long but I think evr minute is worth it and she deserves it more then anyone I know. I love her too much to ever leave and I know people have told her that and done it but I cant and hope I dont but i also know I wont unless she leaves me. I wish I had roses and a ring for her I wish I could of shown more and made it more right I wanted to do everything I cold t make her happy right then and there but next time im going to make it realy special for her. It ws time to eat dinner and aftr dinner it was time for DEz and her sister to take me back home. I realy didnt want to eat but she made me but I guess thats what loving g/f's do right? I sat there and ate it which took me a long time because I ate slow she was done wating and so was I. I remembered I forgot her picture she gave me in her room and we went back and got it then she kissed me again and I kissed her back holding her and when I kissed her I actuly felt her there and wouldnt accept thering she tried to give because I would feel bad. We told them we would be waiting in the car but her sister came and Dez got made because she wanted to sit in the back with me and cuddle and kiss but we couldnt cause her little sister came with us which got her a little mad I think. Even though I was sitting up front and she was in the back as sweet as she is she pt her arm and hand on my shoulder running my shoulder. I held her hand behind me and she kissed my hand and after awhile I kissed hers back. I saw her ring almost off her finger I knew she was giving it to me and Id feel bad if I didnt accept it but I did and I know I have yo give it back because her parents bought it for her not someone else and I have to give it back next time I see her. But next time I do go I'll have a ring and roses for her because I knoe she will love that. I never anted the ride to end and everyhing went by soo fast even the ride I wish it neeverended I didnt want to sy bye to her but we finaly got to my house and I got out leaving the door open for dezand befor they left I said I love you and she said it back. I was inside and saw them leave hoping she knew I was ther staring down on her. Im cared I might loose her like I loose everything and Thursday werre supose to meet again or wednesday thats if im allowed.


Now thats what I had to say aboutthat but moving on but just so everyone can get the jist of everything.


Moving on to the break up..


DezBFCHH: hey hunny
BrokenAntichrist: hey!
BrokenAntichrist: I missed you
DezBFCHH: how ya doin baby?
DezBFCHH: i missed you too
BrokenAntichrist: ok i just woke up not to long ago
BrokenAntichrist: at like 11
BrokenAntichrist: SO SEE I DO SLEEP!
BrokenAntichrist: lol
DezBFCHH: thats about when i was up too.. sarah called this morning n woke me up
BrokenAntichrist: ahhh
BrokenAntichrist: thats cool
DezBFCHH: yeah then i made some noodles to eat for breakfast!:-D
BrokenAntichrist: lol
BrokenAntichrist: fun fun
DezBFCHH: yup
BrokenAntichrist: welp I woke up to no one home
BrokenAntichrist: i think ur medication has been actin up
BrokenAntichrist: cuz last night u didnt seem like urself and now u r
BrokenAntichrist: its crazy
DezBFCHH: whys that?
BrokenAntichrist: dunno hun
BrokenAntichrist: I missed u!
DezBFCHH: i missed you too
BrokenAntichrist: me more!
BrokenAntichrist: u there?
DezBFCHH: yeah sorry, had to run to the kitchen for a minute
BrokenAntichrist: its okie
BrokenAntichrist: *is still working on the poem*
DezBFCHH: [IMG]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/sarge/Guillotine_anim.gif[/IMG]
DezBFCHH: damnit
DezBFCHH: its supposed to show the smiley
BrokenAntichrist: http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/sarge/Guillotine_anim.g
BrokenAntichrist: *clicks it*
BrokenAntichrist: hmm didnt work
BrokenAntichrist: u gotta copy n paste it
BrokenAntichrist wants to directly connect.
DezBFCHH is now directly connected.
BrokenAntichrist: now try but without the url thing
DezBFCHH:
DezBFCHH: but its not going
BrokenAntichrist: ohh I know that one
DezBFCHH: its not dropping
BrokenAntichrist: lol
BrokenAntichrist: thats cause u gotta save it
BrokenAntichrist: then send it
BrokenAntichrist: but dont worry about it hun
BrokenAntichrist: lol
DezBFCHH:
BrokenAntichrist: lol
DezBFCHH: hehe its got the rainbow!:-D
BrokenAntichrist: like u
DezBFCHH:
BrokenAntichrist: actuly u r like the rainbow ur personality ur beautiful looks n ur hair all put in to one like one great rainbow with all the colors needed to make u u n the beautiful girl that i love with all my heart
DezBFCHH: stop hun...
BrokenAntichrist: why?
DezBFCHH: i mean yes, im flatered... but still stop.
BrokenAntichrist: ok hun im sorry
DezBFCHH: i guess im just not in the mood to be all mushy today or something...:-\
BrokenAntichrist: its ok
BrokenAntichrist: whats on your mind?
DezBFCHH: nothing.. just thinkin bout a lotta stuff.
BrokenAntichrist: :-(


BrokenAntichrist: is it bad?
DezBFCHH: i dont know, it could be..
BrokenAntichrist: I mean desirae i know somethings going on im not an idiot I can tell
BrokenAntichrist: i could tell when I saw you
BrokenAntichrist: and even when u say theres nothing wrong I can tell there is n i feel like crying cuz ur afraid to tell me
DezBFCHH: jamie, i love you... but im just confused right now
BrokenAntichrist: and im even afraid to listen but id rather know then be sad about it and have u be that way too
BrokenAntichrist: comfused about?
BrokenAntichrist: ?:-\
DezBFCHH: confused about what i want right now... i mean YES i love you with all of my heart, and i want to be with you. but theres part of me that is thinking about breaking it off because i dont want to end up hurting you in the end. and because i dont think i can handle a relationship right now. im thinking about going back to just keeping my relationships with girls online because im scared to be with one in real life. because im afraid im going to get hurt, or im going to hurt someone i love so much.
BrokenAntichrist: :-(ok
DezBFCHH: but i want you in my life...
DezBFCHH: i dont want to lose you totally
BrokenAntichrist: Just wanna let you know even if you dont wanna hear it I knew u were going to do this but im not mad cuz i understand. Everything always goes wrong for me but I want you to know out of everyone ive ever been with you will always be the only girl I ever truly loved and never have I ever had someone realy love me as much as u did and maybe I could find someone else but its hard because everything they could be you already are and it could never have happend so perfectly right at the right time n know exactly how to treat me
BrokenAntichrist: n i love u with all my heart and i would never hurt u but i know u get that alot n even if u did hurt me id try to understand n slowly get passed it because i love u n ever pain in my hear is worth it cuz ur my world n always will be n i love u
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
DezBFCHH: jamie, i love you.. but its for the best
DezBFCHH: and you know it
BrokenAntichrist: why
BrokenAntichrist: why is it for the best
DezBFCHH: i want to still be in your life.. i just cant be the perfect girl in your life...
BrokenAntichrist: you only get hurt when u let it happen
BrokenAntichrist: how would u hurt me?
DezBFCHH: it always ends up that i hurt someone...
BrokenAntichrist: but it doesnt have to be
BrokenAntichrist: how do u know whats going to happen
BrokenAntichrist: and I know I could never hurt u because i love u
DezBFCHH: look back at my relationship with dave... i mean yes, i dont like to bring it back up. but still look at it. i hurt him so bad because i needed time to be on my own. and tahts what i need right now. i need time to be on my own and figure out what the hell i want in my life and what the hell i can handle
BrokenAntichrist: n when I look at u n talk to u n hold u n look into ur eyes i feel like crying because I love u soo much and i love soo much that my heart aches and I know i could never hurt u because ur the onlything in the world that I love
DezBFCHH: then just give me some time....
BrokenAntichrist: but ok but also know im not gonna be another ass hole on your list of people
BrokenAntichrist: because i might or might not say fuck u i wan nothing to do with u now after that
DezBFCHH: i know your not.. i still love you with ALL of my heart
BrokenAntichrist: im not gonna do that
BrokenAntichrist: so ok then
BrokenAntichrist: but tell me everything was going great why like do this?
DezBFCHH: i just cant be in a relationship with you right now.
BrokenAntichrist: why not?
BrokenAntichrist: I want to know why
DezBFCHH: i need to know what i can and cant handle
DezBFCHH: on my own
BrokenAntichrist: u tried that last time though
BrokenAntichrist: and did it get u a answer
DezBFCHH: no...
BrokenAntichrist: and why is that


DezBFCHH: because i didnt look for it hard enough
DezBFCHH: i WANT an answer this time.. im going to look to find it because i want to be with you...
BrokenAntichrist: do u think that if we break up n see if u can do it n think to urself who u realy are ull learn what u did and realize the truth
DezBFCHH: realize the truth that i love you and i probably should have never broken it off? yes thats what i hope to realize
BrokenAntichrist: and no relationship is perfect and the only way to make it sronger is to break up is the answer to everything even though ur taking a great chance of loosing everything
DezBFCHH: i know. thats why im doing it baby
DezBFCHH: i love you.. i really do... i hope you believe me
BrokenAntichrist: i do
BrokenAntichrist: im justtrying to relax n try to see things from ur point of view
BrokenAntichrist: n just trying to talk about it n see if im even right
BrokenAntichrist: well u never find it if your looking for it. I know i should of done or said something when i was with u but I guess it was better to just be with u n just wait so none of us will hurt even more n what I already am
DezBFCHH: you have no idea how friggin hard this is to do on my part because i love you so much. and if i didndt have maggie here right now, well she just pulled in. i probably would be dead, or very close to it...
BrokenAntichrist: :-(n if u said i was right n thats why ur doing it ok and even though this is the most hurt in my heart ive ever felt in my life maybe its worth it cause your thre biggest thing in my life
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
BrokenAntichrist: but is that why desirae
DezBFCHH: i love you... i dont know what i want though... p lease
BrokenAntichrist: I just still dontthink u should run away n try to find the answer even if u think its best but if u think by breaking up will help u realize who u r n about this relationship n the only wy to make it work n have it stronger by doing this then ok
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
DezBFCHH: it is.. i want to find answers, and i want to know i can do it by myself. just give me a few days...i still want you in my life BELIEVE ME i still want you as a friend.. a very close one at that, but i just need a break from the relationship.. ok?
BrokenAntichrist: forever?
DezBFCHH: NO for now, to find out what i want
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
BrokenAntichrist: *breaks down crying n leaves*
DezBFCHH: yes you have no idea. i havent stopped since the first words i said to you today....
DezBFCHH: DONT LEAVE
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
BrokenAntichrist: I just wish i was there to hold u n cry my eyes out
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
DezBFCHH: yes but that would defeat the whole purpose of what im doing... you know?
BrokenAntichrist: n tell u how much i love u n beg u not to do it but i cant do anything anymore
BrokenAntichrist: :'(
DezBFCHH: im sorry.. and thats all i can say anymore
DezBFCHH: but this is what NEEDS to happen jamie...
DezBFCHH: jamie, i love you... im going. i hope you understand why im doing this.. and i ihope you know that i care about you. i just need this right now. its for the better. i love you, and ill talkto you later... take care please...

Auto response from BrokenAntichrist: :'(Dying. How can the only person that can only make you happy causes your tears:'(*bangs head of the wall n crys my fucking face into the cement :'(

DezBFCHH direct connection is closed.
BrokenAntichrist: i love u:'(
DezBFCHH signed off at 11:50:20 AM.


Now I will list these quotes in order to oldest to earliest all in order then after I post this Ill explain everyone but im sure as u can see it looks awful messed up.

#1 "Quote" "Dez"BFCHH: "confused about what i want right now... i mean "YES i love you with all of my heart", and i want to be with you. but theres part of me that is thinking about breaking it off because i dont want to end up hurting you in the end. and because i dont think i can handle a relationship right now. im thinking about going back to just keeping my relationships with girls online because im scared to be with one in real life. because im afraid im going to get hurt, or im going to hurt someone "i love so much."

#2 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "but i want you in my life..."

#3 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH:" then just give me some time"....

#4 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "i WANT an answer this time.. im going to look to find it because "i want to be with you"..."

#5 "Quote" "Dez"BFCHH: "realize the truth that i love you" and i probably "should have never broken it off"? yes thats what i hope to realize"

#6 "Quote""Dez"BFCHH: "i love you.. i really do... i hope you believe me"

#7 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "it is.. i want to find answers, and i want to know i can do it by myself. "just give me a few days"..."i still want you in my life "

#8 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "you mean the world to me Jamie"

#9 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: fuck.. i mean god.." you dont think i care about you" at all? god "i fuckin love you".. "i just want it to work".. so just give it time

next day...

#10 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: no i just "dnot want to be with you jamie"

2 days later....

#11 "QUOTE" cobra8367501"Dez"BFCHH: "so. and you know i like it"

#12 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "ive been talking evil to you tonite"

#13 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: "im sorry.. *kisses your lip"*

#14 "QUOTE" "Dez"BFCHH: fine i'll say it... "I LOV EYOU"
cobra8367501<"Dez"BFCHH: "YES"

next day...

#15 "QUOTE" cobra8367501<DezBFCHH: "nothing"

2 weeks later....

#16 "QUOTE" crimebydeath<
#17 crimebydeathDez<<: "shes fuckin stalking me... "i hate her"... and i hope she knows that"....

Stalking you cause I got your new screenname? Well you did post it on your FACE THE JURY profile ya know, nothing creepy about that.

Later on to later Sept.
#18 "QUOTE" boomer_424<
"19 "QUOTE" boomer_424<
Kats rely to my chat with her.....

#20"QUOTE" Dez's Whore<
#21 "QUOTE"Dez's Whore<Dez's Whore: "call her all the time"..etc.

Gee Kat no is it wrong to call your ex when shes pulling all this on you and call her maybe twice a month so she can hang up on u?

#22 "QUOTE Dez's WhoreKat<<: "it truthfully really bothers her that you were younger, thats the truth"

Yeah wow and what your 16? im 15.. dez is 17... but oh wait lets look at her journal.... Sunday September 14th...Alison was 14... Kat is 16
Yeah age realy bothers her which is why your only one year older then me and Ali is one year younger but as of all the quotes in order im a stalker cuz my ex wont tell me anything n keeps playing games? Right now lets me explain all this shit and answer to it all so I can get some fucking justice.



Alright everyone now here is the recent updates...


Auto response from xcra2idyk3n3ssx: **Thinking about moving to have a chance of a lifetime with the girl of my dreams... hmm what do you think about my idea? ;-)**

xDeviantxDykex: go ahead block me
xDeviantxDykex: reason why I got your sn was because I put a code in my info n it lists every sn that viws it and ur sn was in it
xDeviantxDykex: so dont start
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 9:31:48 PM.
xDeviantxDykex: Yes I lied once but I didnt really think it was a lie n wow thats a good reason to blow me off forever
xDeviantxDykex: I will stop bugging you and u dont even have to respond
xDeviantxDykex: but when your name comes up on my list in my info that u were viwing it, it makes me think
xDeviantxDykex: and its not like you never lied once in your life
xDeviantxDykex: when you lied did the people you lie to say fuck you? did they not want anything to do with you at all and stop caring
xDeviantxDykex: n yes I will admit im jealous
xDeviantxDykex: very much so I am
xDeviantxDykex: and yes it did hurt me to see that and if that was your goal you accomplisshed it
xDeviantxDykex: n trust me it brought tears to my eyes cuz I cared bout u so much and then I had to give up everything I ever knew about you. I miss just talking to you without yelling. i miss being able to come to you and u being there. I miss not being able to give you a hug. I miss kissing you and staring into ur eyes actuly feeling loved
xDeviantxDykex: i cant forget that and im sorry
xDeviantxDykex: i know sorry isnt good enough
xDeviantxDykex: I know my pain and tears or even gried isnt enough but if you honestly loved me why would you shut me out forever
xDeviantxDykex: Im sorry it angers you to talk to me. Its like your trying to fight something
xDeviantxDykex: just please dont go
xDeviantxDykex: :-(
xDeviantxDykex: whatever i did im really sorry n its hard going 7 months without seeing someone you once loved so much
xDeviantxDykex: I tried to erase you and for awhile it did help it helped alot and I even let people in my life and I wish I could be happy like you are
xDeviantxDykex: no one I meet ever makes me feel the way you did. I could love them but its not enough
xDeviantxDykex: n when they kiss me I feel like crying cuz I think of u n its easier said then done
xDeviantxDykex: im sorry im a pain
xDeviantxDykex: im sorry i upset u
xDeviantxDykex: I wish I could of been there face to face with you when you broke up with me to hug u n say goodbye
xDeviantxDykex: Maybe thats why when we got into the car after u kissed me u looked like u were about to cry n said thatd be our last kiss for awhile
xDeviantxDykex: :-(i miss u reaching ur hand back just to hold mine
xDeviantxDykex: :'(i cnt erase that
xDeviantxDykex: cant
xDeviantxDykex: i even took the necklace u gave me n i broke it n threw it out to forget u but then last night I found it and pieced it back together n wear it now
xDeviantxDykex: As long as I can know ur ok or somehow be close to you im happy. At night time ill close my eyes n cry cuz im sorry 4 whatever I did n just wish I could see u
xDeviantxDykex: the only time I ever get to see you is inmy dreams and im never able to finish them n when I wake up ur not there n it hurts so much when im almost over you and something always brings you back wether its a dream or not
xDeviantxDykex: Im not saying I want u to be my g/f
xDeviantxDykex: I dont care
xDeviantxDykex: I just want u
xDeviantxDykex: even to see u would be enough
xDeviantxDykex: I wish I never met u
xDeviantxDykex: :'(
xDeviantxDykex: n atleast i cared enough to get you something on valentines day
xDeviantxDykex: but i guess it was nothing n im sure by now those things are gone or were burnt
xDeviantxDykex: :'(im sorry for over reacting
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 9:52:32 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed on at 9:53:09 PM.
xDeviantxDykex: :'(n if u didnt care then why wouldnt u of blocked me by now
xDeviantxDykex: im not saying that u do
xDeviantxDykex: :-(i wish i knew how to say things so it wouldnt seem that i throw things at u
xDeviantxDykex: :'( im not trying to do that
xDeviantxDykex: n the only reason why i said i was 15 going on 16 is cuz i was n i was gonna be in 2 months soi pretty much was n shit i dunno
xDeviantxDykex: whatever mistake i said im sorry
xDeviantxDykex: i honestly didnt do it purposly
xDeviantxDykex: :'(n the only reason why i made up that fake name was because i thought maybe if i was myself ud love me 4 that not 4 what i did ot who i was
xDeviantxDykex: :'(
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: what fake name?
xDeviantxDykex: remember
xDeviantxDykex: on aim
xDeviantxDykex: n i told u
xDeviantxDykex: finally
xDeviantxDykex: it was back in december
xDeviantxDykex: n i called u...
xDeviantxDykex: that time
xDeviantxDykex: n I said I was sarah
xDeviantxDykex: :-(
xDeviantxDykex: the only reason why i made up that fake name was because i thought maybe if i was myself ud love me 4 that not 4 what i did ot who i was
xDeviantxDykex: :'(im sorry for that
xDeviantxDykex: n im sorry for about b4 when we were dating
xDeviantxDykex: :'(
xDeviantxDykex: n everything I told you tonight is not a lie
xDeviantxDykex: I mean every word i say to u
xDeviantxDykex: n I know nothing I say is gonna do anything for me
xDeviantxDykex: i know that
xDeviantxDykex: im not trying to do anything
xDeviantxDykex: just tell u im sorry
xDeviantxDykex: n that I cant erase u
xDeviantxDykex: n I havent even kissed one person since i was with u
xDeviantxDykex: i cant
xDeviantxDykex: i cant do that
xDeviantxDykex: n thats all I have to say because I said all my heart can feel as of right now
xDeviantxDykex: just please dont go or turn ur back on me i miss seeing the front of you
xDeviantxDykex: :-(
xDeviantxDykex: i hope you read everything i said and know that i really do love you and ill always love you no matter what u do and im sorry n i truly cant deal with this situation anymore n please give me a chance to show u i really do love u i wouldnt say all this n still care all this time if i wasnt sorry and didnt truly care about you
xDeviantxDykex: so please think about everything i said
xDeviantxDykex: n one more thing
xDeviantxDykex wants to directly connect.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx declines request; no connection was made. (Note: For best results, you and your buddy should use the latest version of AIM.).
xDeviantxDykex: alright then
xDeviantxDykex: if you did read everything and atleast care some what then plz give me a call when your not busy
xDeviantxDykex: other then that im sorry and theres nothing else i can say
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: im not fuckin calling you.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: dont call my fuckin house either
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: yes i read everything
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: dont call me
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i cant take anymore shit right now
xDeviantxDykex: i wont
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i have so much shit goin gon
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 10:08:46 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed on at 10:09:30 PM.
xDeviantxDykex: did you atleast care at all what I said to you
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: Jamie.. seriously. i have a lot of shit going on right now
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: just stop
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: yes i read everything
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: yes i read the email...
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: just.. stop.. for a little... i need time to figure everything out
xDeviantxDykex: and then will you try talking to me?
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: possibly
xDeviantxDykex: alright then thank you for listening to me and i wont message you anymoe unless you message me
xDeviantxDykex: goodnight.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 10:26:03 PM.
xDeviantxDykex: :'(WTF is that all about?
xDeviantxDykex: fuck me?

Auto response from xcra2idyk3n3ssx: fuck you. your a god damn waste of my fucking time. why did i think i really loved you? you make it out to sound like everyone else is the bad one.. but its really you... im glad i never got into a relationship wiht you....



*Jess*I want the end to come.. i want to be with you. you are my dream. please let it come true.*

xDeviantxDykex: :'(
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: its not to you.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 10:32:37 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: unless your stacy
xDeviantxDykex: no
xDeviantxDykex: sorry
xDeviantxDykex: :'(ima just go ur right im only hurting myself
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 10:33:36 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 10:35:53 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 10:36:45 PM.
xDeviantxDykex: I love you desirae and you always say wait a little while leave me alone just awhile n I do n then i still can't talk to you. Why cant I be good enough. I wish I was. I'm sorry I love you.

Auto response from xcra2idyk3n3ssx: fuck you. your a god damn waste of my fucking time. why did i think i really loved you? you make it out to sound like everyone else is the bad one.. but its really you... im glad i never got into a relationship wiht you....



*Jess*I want the end to come.. i want to be with you. you are my dream. please let it come true.*

xDeviantxDykex: night
xDeviantxDykex: :'(
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 11:14:02 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed on at 11:26:29 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 11:27:15 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed on at 11:29:24 PM.
xDeviantxDykex wants to directly connect.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx declines request; no connection was made. (Note: For best results, you and your buddy should use the latest version of AIM.).
xDeviantxDykex: plz accept
xDeviantxDykex: i wanna show u one of my pics of art
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: no.
xDeviantxDykex: why
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i asked you to leave me be
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 11:31:09 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed on at 10:27:15 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 11:24:12 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed on at 11:28:04 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 11:37:06 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 11:40:59 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 11:44:37 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 11:44:54 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 11:45:04 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 11:55:40 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 11:56:14 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 11:58:12 AM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 12:00:30 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 12:13:31 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed on at 1:23:22 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 1:24:43 PM.
xDeviantxDykex: Can I ask you something?
xDeviantxDykex: ?
xDeviantxDykex: ?
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i think you need to read my journal.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 3:25:36 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: please
xDeviantxDykex: I did
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: no
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i JUST posted something
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: you need to read it
xDeviantxDykex: ok
xDeviantxDykex: ugh
xDeviantxDykex: im scared to
xDeviantxDykex: but ok
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: no
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: read it.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: you'll cry...
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: but...
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i promise.. im in tears iwth you.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: :-*
xDeviantxDykex: read mine
xDeviantxDykex: http://www.livejournal.com/users/guttural_soul/
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: im reading it
xDeviantxDykex: *gives u a hug*
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i mean it too.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i really really do
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 3:30:11 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 3:31:36 PM.
xDeviantxDykex: im having a rush right now
xDeviantxDykex: im kinda waiting to wake up, feels like a dream
xDeviantxDykex: ugh
xDeviantxDykex: :-\
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: im sorry.
xDeviantxDykex: :-(its ok
xDeviantxDykex: im sorry...
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: why are you sorry?
xDeviantxDykex: cuz i should of done something
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: what should you have done?
xDeviantxDykex: :-(sat down with you when i knew you were upset bout something n never let u go or leave
xDeviantxDykex: i should of been a better g/f
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: we all make mistakes.
xDeviantxDykex: now what...
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i dont know
xDeviantxDykex: me either...
xDeviantxDykex: :-(
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i dont want a relationship... ok?
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: not right now anyway.
xDeviantxDykex: ok
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i need to figure a bit out first.
xDeviantxDykex: alright
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: but i feel a bit better right now....
xDeviantxDykex: thats good
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i'd feel a lot better though if i'd be able to cuddle... :-(
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: but.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i'll just have more to look forward to later...
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: ;-)
xDeviantxDykex: *cuddles up to you*
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: mm thanks!
xDeviantxDykex: yeah
xDeviantxDykex: *holds u hand n nuzzles head by yours*
xDeviantxDykex: ok thats better
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: mmm uhhuh
xDeviantxDykex: *falls asleep*
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: ::shakes ya::
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: wake up!!!!!!!!!!!
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: no sleepies!:-D
xDeviantxDykex: yes
xDeviantxDykex: sleep is good
xDeviantxDykex: u never woke up for me!
xDeviantxDykex: only when I kissed u!
xDeviantxDykex: lol
xDeviantxDykex: then u fell back asleep 20 times
xDeviantxDykex: :-P
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: hey! come on.. i was on meds! they fucked up my head!
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i was dreaming about you thought!
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: though*
xDeviantxDykex: yeah perverted dreams!
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: no those were reality
xDeviantxDykex: id shut u up right now but yeah
xDeviantxDykex: kinda not possible
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: oh yeah>
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: :-P
xDeviantxDykex: yeah
xDeviantxDykex: *bites u*
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: hey now!
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: where you bitin me?;-)
xDeviantxDykex: everywhere
xDeviantxDykex: ;-)
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: promise?;-)
xDeviantxDykex: maybe
xDeviantxDykex: ;-)
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: hmm.. ok
xDeviantxDykex: ull have to see
xDeviantxDykex: :-P
xDeviantxDykex: im cold...
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: im sorry.
xDeviantxDykex: *sticks hands up ur shirt to keep warm*
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: hey now!
xDeviantxDykex: what?
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: not allowed to do that!!!!!
xDeviantxDykex: *takes em out n curls in a ball n shivers*
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: thank you.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: ok. i have to go. i'll be on again later.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: still holding the rule of no phone calls... *parents will kill me:-\*
xDeviantxDykex: alright...
xDeviantxDykex: ttyl
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: k. bye
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 4:04:48 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 4:11:23 PM.
xDeviantxDykex: back eh?
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: no. im doing homework.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 4:17:44 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 4:22:23 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed on at 4:25:46 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 4:26:07 PM.
xDeviantxDykex: *tackles u*

Auto response from xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i was born the day you kissed me.. and i died inside the night you left me... but i lived oh how i lived... while you loved me...

xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 5:08:04 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed on at 9:22:26 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 10:02:05 PM.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 10:02:57 PM.
xDeviantxDykex: err i hate not being able to talk to you
xDeviantxDykex: im not trying to test u but ugh:-(
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: im sorry.
xDeviantxDykex: u should like tell them oh omg well i wanna talk to her
xDeviantxDykex: lol
xDeviantxDykex: u think thatd help?
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: no.
xDeviantxDykex: alright sorry i messaged you again maybe this week ill drop by ur work n say hi or something
xDeviantxDykex: bye
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: yeah ok.
Auto response from xDeviantxDykex: I am away from my computer right now.

xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 10:58:10 PM.


Yeah I thought everything was good until...


P3rCePtIoN: hi
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: hi
P3rCePtIoN wants to directly connect.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx declines request; no connection was made. (Note: For best results, you and your buddy should use the latest version of AIM.).
P3rCePtIoN: grr
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: who is this?
P3rCePtIoN: Jamie
P3rCePtIoN: who else would IM u
P3rCePtIoN: on this name
P3rCePtIoN: n ugh
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: what the fuck do you want?
P3rCePtIoN: why r u telling people stuff bout me
P3rCePtIoN: n don't say ur not
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: what?
P3rCePtIoN: hmm
P3rCePtIoN: my g/f.....
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: what the fuck am i saying now?
P3rCePtIoN: thats one.........
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i dont fuckin talk to her
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: fuck you.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: leave me alone
P3rCePtIoN: thats not what I hjeard
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: DIE for all i fucking care
P3rCePtIoN: u leave my friends alone
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 6:06:01 PM.

Than of couse on Friday April 19 I went to her softball game and shit and all she did wa stare at me and point me out to her friends. She struck out every time that day.

You know what I'm finally dont talking and bitching about my ex Desirae but everyone thats not even half the story of this hell. First shes still in love with me than she hates me.
I wrote her this letter but fuck it man.


Desirae

I know you never like getting these but even if you do wish I'd fuck off... im sorry.
honestly I don't try to bother you. I know It'd be easy just to forget everything but
I can't because when I start to my feelings get the best of me and it hurts the more I
ignore it. My friend sandra usually goes with me to the softball games every time to
see her sister play but she got sick and than I saw you and it just ruined everything.
When we were together I could handle breaking up but I can't handle loosing you all
of you together. I lost so many people in my life and I truly do not want to ever loose you.
I know it happens everyday and we were just g/f's but you were more than that to me.
You were my friend,my g/f and everything my world was made of and now It's like someone
just blew up everything I could survive on. All I know is that I care for you soo much and I
love you and I always will and you know that. I'm not trying to be immature but It's hard
why would you say something like that you didn't mean and pretend you didn't. I don't
know whats wrong or if your scared or what. No matter what you say or do can never effect me
always wanting to be there for you and loving you with everything I have. Your the only girl that
I feel can truly touch my heart in any way and it really sucks. Until I find you in someone else
is the only way I could ever love anyone the way loved you and I still do. You say your mad
because you hate me. Than you say you do that because your scared and still love me. Than
out of nowhere you hate me again because I wanna talk to you and It happens all over again.
Sometimes I think you do that if you just love me I may not love you as much as I did so you do that.
It's been 9 months going on forever and It hurts soo much because I don't want to wait, I don't
want to be hurting and I can't forget it because I love you, I really do. I may not be the best person
or attractive person in the world but I love you soo much and I never meant to yell or hurt you.
I would die a million times just so I could be atleast something to you. When I see you I just
want to cry because I can't take it and if you need to put a restraining order on me than go ahead.
Whatever you do just know that I love you and I miss you. When that guy called you ugly in your
guest book it's not true and when I said you weee I was just mad. Everything you meet in this
world it influences you in some way and make a par tof you that makes you who you are. If
thats how it is than everything you want to be you already are and your beautiful to me and every
time I see you thats how I always feel, your the most beautiful girl in the world to me as crazy as it sounds.
You make me see and feel so much and I love you Desirae. I wish I had another chance with you I really do
because the only thing I want in the world that matters anymore is you. Everything I just said to you is
thefeelings I get whenever you pop inmy head and I can't forget. I can't just not cry and want to be with you.
I don't want you to hate me and I don't want to wait I just wanna love you because I do. You'll always be in my dreams
and I hope some day it won't have to be a dream anymore. Goodbye, I love you sweetheart

This shit has been going on for 9 months. I understand that theres speiing fuck ups but I don't give a shit.

Yeah Desirae... love you too...

<img src="http://www.geocities.com/imprisonedperception/amen.JPG">
Wow Desirae that statement is so true but I doubt you were talking about me but maybe you were and yeah you better think. FUCKING AMEN!

<img src="http://www.geocities.com/imprisonedperception/cut.JPG">
So I did something stupid but hey flesh heals.
<img src="http://www.geocities.com/imprisonedperception/dezsentry.JPG">
Sure Dez... sure

<img src="http://www.geocities.com/imprisonedperception/dezspost.JPG">
I guess this was on Sunday March 14th 2004

Oh no Desirae don't say that uou want me dead. Honestly im not obsessive I just can't figure this shit out.
Thats all folks I hope I haven't fucked your mind up to bad. Think twice before you fall for someone.




In May she wrote this in her Journal............

ok. i just sat here for almost an hour.. reading "someone"'s journal. i have come to this conclusion. I do miss you. and no im not just saying this. after reading everything last night that you said. and reading the email i got from you a few days ago. i realize that your right. i was scared. i am still in love with you. and that is why i keep running away. you are the first girl i was ever with in flesh. and ya know. i wouldnt take that back for anything. seriously, the reason i left you was becasue i was scared. i was scared shitless. i was in love, and getting too close. last time i was close to someone, she died. and hell, i didnt want that to happen. so. i guess. i have to grow the balls to actually appologize to you. and tell you the truth. i just have to be able to see what im typing first! too many tears right now... but.. with all my heart.

I LOVE YOU. i have from the beginning. and i will for all times.

Then this July before she left I tried talking to her

Pimpin Sk8ern: Hey, goodluck tomarrow
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: hey, fuck you. stay the hell out of my life.
Pimpin Sk8ern: :-(
Pimpin Sk8ern: I guess I can't be nice
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 10:53:31 PM.
Pimpin Sk8ern: i guess you'll always hate me huh?

Auto response from xcra2idyk3n3ssx: leavin for college in a few hours... oh joy... watch me stress a little more... GOD i want to hold my baby before i leave...

**I love you Samantha.**

xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 10:55:37 PM.
Pimpin Sk8ern: I said i was sorry, I tried over n over to explain why I did wat I did, I got diff reasons from you
Pimpin Sk8ern: theres nothing else I can do n I guess I can't stop you from always having anger against me
Pimpin Sk8ern: i'm really not as bas as you make yourself to think
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i dont fuckin care, you have no right finding every single person i ever fucking date. leave my girlfriend alone. NOTHING you do or say to her is going to make her leave me. nothing you EVER do will ever get me back to you. i hate you, you lied to me and thers nothing else to it. its over, there never was anything. what i thought might have been love, NO it was the fact that i was actually in a physical relationship wtih a girl for the first time and i wasnt used to having that. now. i told you why and everything. leave me the hell alone.
Pimpin Sk8ern: It'd just be nice to know that u dob't hate me
Pimpin Sk8ern: n no I do not want u back
Pimpin Sk8ern: iyts not even about that
Pimpin Sk8ern: im happy 4 u
Pimpin Sk8ern: n yes I want u guys together
Pimpin Sk8ern: n im nott rying to be a bitch
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: then stay the fuck out of my life
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: NOW.
Pimpin Sk8ern: I didn't lie to you
Pimpin Sk8ern: not in the way u think I did
Pimpin Sk8ern: I told you my age n u acted like u didn't care at all
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: fuck you.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i dont give a shit
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: its over. its done
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: LEAVE ME ALONE
Pimpin Sk8ern: n then all the sudden a month later
Pimpin Sk8ern: u care
Pimpin Sk8ern: n then u say i dump u cuz i was scared or iu dumped u cuzu lied
Pimpin Sk8ern: or I dumped u cuz I didnt mean it
Pimpin Sk8ern: then u tell my ex oh i love her
Pimpin Sk8ern: blah
Pimpin Sk8ern: n now I hate u
Pimpin Sk8ern: i hate u
Pimpin Sk8ern: You think you didn't do shit to me either ez?
Pimpin Sk8ern: you say some harsh shit to me
xcra2idyk3n3ssx is away at 11:01:00 PM.
Pimpin Sk8ern: n u act like it's not supose to hurt

Auto response from xcra2idyk3n3ssx: im missin my teddybear torrey! hehe. i love ya boy. gonna miss ya like hell.. we'll chill in august when you move in to school! ;-)

Pimpin Sk8ern: well It does hurt dEz
Pimpin Sk8ern: it does
Pimpin Sk8ern: saying u only ever liked me cuz I was a girl n cuz I dated u n cuz it was the firstr 4 u was the only reason
xcra2idyk3n3ssx returned at 11:02:07 PM.
Pimpin Sk8ern: n everything u ever said menothing at all
Pimpin Sk8ern: how would u feel?
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i dont give a fuck.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: YOU WERE A FUCKING MISTAKE
Pimpin Sk8ern: or trying to say ur sorry n no one ever accepting it when u care about them
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i dont care.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: theres very few people in the wrold i will ever care about.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: and you never were and never will be one of them. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.
Pimpin Sk8ern: THen why did u saythat shit to sam
Pimpin Sk8ern: I can't wait till u really love someonr just like that Jamie gurl n saying OHHHH SHES THE ONE
Pimpin Sk8ern: I MEAN IT THIS TIMe
Pimpin Sk8ern: I DO
Pimpin Sk8ern: n ull know exactly wat the hell u did to me
Pimpin Sk8ern: u have no reason to say the shit u do to me
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i love samantha thats all there is to it. and i could never fucking hurt her.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: fuck you.
Pimpin Sk8ern: Samantha Fuchs
Pimpin Sk8ern: i was talking about
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i didnt tell hER ANYTHING
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: i talked to her like fuckin twice
Pimpin Sk8ern: I'm sorry I was a mistake
Pimpin Sk8ern: but u don't have to hate me
Pimpin Sk8ern: if its the case that u were desperate then I wish to hell it wasn';t me
Pimpin Sk8ern: I tried to love u i tried to care
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: fuck i dont have to hate you. stay the fuck out of my life and get the hell over yourself.
Pimpin Sk8ern: I really did
Pimpin Sk8ern: complaining everyone leaves u
Pimpin Sk8ern: hell
Pimpin Sk8ern: n saying oh well I could never hate u Jamie
Pimpin Sk8ern: reason why i do iut is cuz I hurt n I deal with it by anger
Pimpin Sk8ern: I don't know wat the hell ur case is
Pimpin Sk8ern: but it hurts
Pimpin Sk8ern: n im sorry im not as strong as u n hide shit
Pimpin Sk8ern: i u prolly arent hiding shit
Pimpin Sk8ern: but still
Pimpin Sk8ern: I could cry my eyes out n say im sorry n all u could ever do is say I fucking hate u
Pimpin Sk8ern: yu were a mistake
Pimpin Sk8ern: fucking go away
Pimpin Sk8ern: when I try to say sorry
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: im not6 the one fucking sitting here keep messaging me.. .LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: GOD. listen to your own fucking words
Pimpin Sk8ern: I DONT WANT U TO HATE ME
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: Pimpin Sk8ern: yu were a mistake
Pimpin Sk8ern: fucking go away
Pimpin Sk8ern: i wanna be able to talk to u without fighting
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: you fucking said it yourself.
xcra2idyk3n3ssx: LEAVE ME ALONE
Pimpin Sk8ern: NO
Pimpin Sk8ern: i said
Pimpin Sk8ern: thats wat u said
Pimpin Sk8ern: n how u would feel
Pimpin Sk8ern: thank u for crying n trying to act like u cares
Pimchats.pin Sk8ern: such a wonderful actress
xcra2idyk3n3ssx signed off at 11:10:48 PM.


I just don't know what to do. I miss her soo much and the only reasons I ever lied was because I loved her and there was nothing else I could do. I can't just love someone soo much and never get to talk to them again. So everyone give me your thoughts. It's kinda plain to see who I was in all these




















_Summary_

Alright heres the story on what this site's all about. Friday June 27 2003 this girl on FTJ named Desirae messaged me. We started talking for about two days and we seemed to really like each othr alot and we lived soo close, We both decided that we were gonna meet on Sunday 29th 2003 at 2:00 pm and I said that would be great and that I would get a ride. On Sunday I woke up and got all ready and left for coudersport to meet her. When I met her I was scared. We went to her house and we had some great fun... hehe. We spent the whole day together and then she asked me out and of course like the pimp I am, I said yes. We dated about two months and then one day she decided to break up with me. She was way older then me, she was 17 and I was 14 but going to be 15 in september. I guess I gave her some wrong information on my age. She was also I guess scared to be with me and told me she needed time but on and off s
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